Who we surround ourselves with is very important. Other people set the mood. Order cannot stand complete disorder, and vice-versa. Therefore, if we are around disorder in environment or friends, it is important that we (1) recognize what in us needs work and (2) be able to assert ourselves. Courage is easier with integrity. If you don’t have a voice, don’t sacrifice it for idealization or for bad habits.
If we cannot assert ourselves, which is more common in women than men, then resentment or subterfuge is left, which causes extreme stress for everyone. These are not solutions.
Therefore, one of the most valuable things you can learn is to stand up for yourself, to articulate yourself, and to effectively communicate (not starting off with an insult, not bringing up things on bad days or at inconvenient times). A lot of dysfunction in relationships is due to passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, or being vague. Fights erupt. Words are not constructive, and keep at a high volume. People go back to the same behavior, which is not a solution.
Rather, health is growth, transparency, consideration. So then the best thing to do is to be an environment that encourages transparency and to be solution-oriented. How I have watched. How many arguments focus on pettiness, not a solution. The actual problem gets lost. People fight unfairly, based on emotion. Anger flies, backlog of hurts are presented. This methodology gets in the way of actual peace. Peace is in organization, caring, and being solution-oriented. A true solution makes sure both sides feel valued and makes sure pettiness and anger/resentment isn’t a factor. Always present one problem at a time, try one new solution. One problem per day. The other person has to wait another day. Solutions may not work. Adjust or try another. But work together, like a team.
How few marriages function with health and peace in mind. One person is doing the controlling, or one person is working behind the other person’s back to do what they feel like is necessary or to get their due, or fights erupt without focus on resolving problems.
The root of the problem often stems from childhood. People didn’t feel valued or loved. So they project that onto their partner all the time. They’re not ever seeing things as they are, they’re seeing things with idealization or pessimism. They’re either trying too hard to prove themselves or checking out because they feel it’s futile anyway.
But representing peace is being a part of the solution. I know familial patterns are hard to break, but it takes introspection to know what you are likely to do and to make sure the outside isn’t the only thing that changes. Wardrobe, commitment, and careers are easy to alter, but patterns are far more important. The external distracts from the actual problem. Without knowledge or awareness, solution and peace become impossible. Let us promote harmony through lightness of being, and through a focus on solutions over sides.